Time—it’s all I had now. Sometimes the minutes were lifetimes slipping away or I’d blink and two days would pass unnoticed.
I lay face down on the weathered dock, the calm morning water stretched before me. Only ripples on the opposite shore told me there was any movement. But I couldn’t feel the breeze. And while lifes’ seconds ticked by, I hadn’t noticed my face becoming wet because the words that repeatedly echoed in my head, picked at the scab between my breasts.
“I choose to bury my love for you; Please find happiness with another lover; I don’t want a life with you…”
But your voice in my head, with that sweet and succulent sound wasn’t the only thing alive; the sky spoke frequently that morning. Just over the horizon to the south, massive clouds were tinged with green, as effluent as my mood, moved unusually from right to left. The moisture I felt leaking down my cheek was the inevitable tear that added to the volume of the lake. “A drop in the bucket,” I thought with a resigned grimace.
Trying to restart my heart was proving more difficult each day, the further you forced yourself away.
A mosquito landed on my calf. My hope as I watched it bloat on its meal, would be that it could suck some of the poison out. But I was wrong. After gorging, it left me with a red, swollen spot that would be another temporary reminder of you. “Like I need any help…” I exhaled, chuckling sadly; disgusted by the lack of strength needed to combat the roller coaster that I’d been on for so long; I couldn’t even swat an insect.
Hundreds of times, I wrote you in my head and each time I couldn’t commit it to paper. What was the point? You had made a choice and I lost something precious. I had no control over it. You were gone. A beautiful experience ruined by your violent silence. My only solution was to hobble broken hearted to my beloved wilderness and tend my wounds in weather changing from one moment to the next.
Electrified air surrounded me, the ends of my hair lifting in the gathering wind. The turmoil in the sky intensified, exactly like my stomach. I couldn’t recall the last time I ate and absentmindedly thought I should at some point. However, the next second the thought was gone and I would forget to do so once again.
Thunder rattled even through sun so bright, I had to squint. This was the first good feeling of the day, the strong morning light warming my limbs. Legs, I fondly remember, that wrapped around your hips and pulled you deeper. Surprised by their strength as they held on tight, it aroused us both even more, knowing we were a match. Whether it was the way the weight of you felt against me or the primal movements above you, that’s the curse I’m left with, knowing that perfection was possible.
You were remembering, I could feel it, though incalculable distance separated us. Nevertheless, I knew because I felt a familiar pounding. I knew you were thinking about me as you touched yourself.
Earlier you had woken me. I had been sobbing in my sleep, curled into a ball so tightly I couldn’t breathe. Startled awake, my heart stopped beating and it hurt so much, I thought that was it, the literal heartbreak I had been expecting. But when I gulped one thin breath after another and stretched, my blood began to move again. Ten agonizing minutes later, remarkably I was still alive. Desolation trickled down my cheeks and I was comforted no one was there to see my shame.
I scratched absentmindedly at the mosquito bite and I joined you in a memory. It was the park…that’s where I saw your face. A different bit of wilderness where I’d always pictured you.
I had already swallowed your sweet seed once that day and wanted to again, your familiar taste excited me deeply. The trickle of light from the distant street that reflected in your eyes showed joy, then need and finally wonder; the best of everything about you.
The events of that night crystallized as you backed me into a tree. Your hands slid into my pants, playing me like a master musician then tasting me from your fingers, brought a change in you. Placing my hands high above, my back arched, breasts pressing against your solid chest, when you began to savour my flesh. I still feel the rough bark beneath my fingertips when you loosen my jeans and let them fall to the forest floor. Pushing up my top to expose a hardened nipple, hungrily, you take it in your mouth. Soft lips move over me, down my round belly, until you encounter my underwear. Easily ripped away, your mouth covers me again.
Turning my own arousal in little circles, you sucked tight, bringing the meat into your mouth and then letting it slip off your tongue. My body quaked from the need to have you inside me. “Oh, so sweet …” you whispered, juices trailing down your chin.
Removing your belt, and opening your pants, your ready cock came out to breathe the cool night air. Covering my body, you pressed. “Please…” I begged, barely getting the words out. A moan was your only response as you found a warm, waiting home, filling me completely in one long stroke. I think I died.
You focused on your breathing to let the moment last when you paused and placed your head between my breasts, feeling the fleshy pillows on your cheek. Tightening around you, brought your eyes to mine again. The clean, pure joy etched on your face as I squeezed.
Pumping your hips, mouth clamped to mine, every scent, each taste, was the two of us. In pants too confining, I shook them off, only to climb on you as you slipped back inside. Wrapping my legs around your waist, I pulled you tighter. Our mouths met, your tongue meeting mine and staying there; you tasted wonderful as we breathed each other. Your hips were grinding while your hands lifted me up and down your length. Squeezing my butt, you moved more determinedly. Time slowed, the world dissolved and we were the only ones it this lovely little copse of trees. Nothing distracted from the marvellous feeling of finally coming together.
My hand snaked down between our bodies and I touched the raw bundle of nerves. I had done this often with only your picture before me, but now it made me felt truly alive. You bit my neck then kissed me. You didn’t lose focus, the manic rhythms sped, arching my back and you swallowed my breast again, my hard nipple between your teeth. I breathed your name when I told you I was ready, needing the release from what seemed like every fantasy I’d ever imagined.
“Please…say my name,” I pleaded. But even better, I felt hot juices begin to fill me.
Slick and slippery you told me, “It’s only ever been you,” your mouth covering my own. It wasn’t the words or my hand that made me join you in rapture; it was the roughened velvety voice. Satisfaction swept through my body, claiming me as your own and another longing fulfilled. You felt so right inside there was no way to deny it. We were a perfect fit. Your voice told me everything.
And as the quaking ceased around you, I drank in every drop you gave. Too bad it had all been a lie.
Wind licked my lashes and with eyes closed, felt the first drop of falling rain. Thunder cracked the sky and I welcomed the moisture. Cracked and parched, the addiction to you hadn’t lessened. So I lay on the dock as the rain came.
I hoped it would cleanse you away. But I was wrong.